:: Creative Chaos ::

< ? Mama Matrix # >

:: Wednesday, January 16 ::

We are going out of town. We'll be back Sunday. Bye!
:: Sarah 19:31 [+] ::
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Alright, I have to get this out and move on already. I don't need this energy blockage anymore. I don't want to be worrying about who likes me and who doesn't because honestly, I'm really not involved in all this stuff and never have been too much. I just didn't realize it before.

What I came here to say is that: I have realized that:

1) I can't pinpoint a time when I was ever harmed in my online dealings with ANYBODY from AMU days--not upfront anyway. I thought I had been but a year of perspective has made me realize, ah, fuggedaboudit. I AM sensitive but I need to use my sensitivity positively.

2) I probably was talked about behind my back negatively quite a bit--I was told so, and I don't even remember now who told me--but
a) I can't prove any of it
b) I shouldn't waste the time, as an adult rather than an eighth grader, trying to prove it
c) Nothing has ever come back to me and intruded negatively in my real life

3) Others were hurt by some very negative posting that was done and I still disagree with it but the parties involved are the only ones who can work it out. My part is just to speak the truth as kindly as I can and hope to be a good example.

4) I was responsible for some of the hurting too. I will not deny that. I hope I've made that apologies I need to and if not, anyone can contact me, please.

5) I simply don't and have never had access to the dizzying amounts of "info" (gossip) flying around and as much as that used to get me worked up because I was "left out," I am beginning to actually see it as a blessing now. I have much less to process now!

6) As far as post-AMU friendships go, I was the one who abandoned several of them because I just assumed that's what I had to do. The whole thing of loyalty and choosing sides was very difficult for me to comprehend.

7) I have 2 things to base the loyalty of my online friends upon
a) their "up-front" behavior to me
b) gut instinct for the nature of a person

And the whole reason I made this post is, as far as #7 goes, Rhonda continued to contact me even when I didn't respond and she apologized to me. And I've just decided I have to trust her...and Rhonda, if you did say horrible things about me or other people in the past, well, I don't really care anymore and it's not on MY conscience. Even if you're saying them now, ah, oh well, I don't have anything to be afraid of. This is just the internet and I do NOT believe you would ever contact CPS or other crazy shit that HAS been done by others. So I am as ever, your loyal PATHETIC subject. :-P

Now as far as others, okay yeah Lisa and I probably won't ever be best friends but you have to live with yourself, I don't. Obviously you feel wronged just as much as the rest of us do and I truly hope you can work things out with as many people as care to. I hope you truly don't post what you do just to hurt people. KWK sent me a very nice email and I don't see any reason to keep holding things against her. Jo, I still feel really bad that you were hurt by all this, people seem to think you're manipulative but I don't believe it, I think you're a lot like me actually--but like I said I CAN'T know the real facts and only you can work this out. Angel, I honestly don't know what to say, I just hope that you and your babies are safe, it seems like people are trying to intervene and I don't have the info to judge whether that's the right thing to do. Peggyann, I can't judge--I still think it's juvenile to use blog space to calculate dates, esp. if you were truly hurting over a miscarriage, because it seems such a small issue to *me*.

And lest anyone think I'm sucking up to a particular person or group--not that I'd care anyway--I'm just trying to make the amends I need to because, again, I have too much going on IRL to get my mind clouded up with what mostly doesn't concern me anyway. And I hope I don't seem insincere but if I do, maybe it's because I've been trying to change a lot of my life for the past month after reading this. I'm not going to be truly happy until I take responsibility for my actions and only my actions 100%. I'm trying to come to terms with the paradox of judging my own actions ruthlessly while not judging others, and to find a way to still speak up for those who I feel are wronged without butting in where I don't need to be. I think I can't speak out against wrongs unless I've searched myself first. Boy that sounds pretty Christian, doesn't it??? What's up with that, I am supposed to be a nontheist pagan. ;-)

Please, everyone, try to work things out directly. I caused a lot of misery for myself by not doing this.

Whew. Be kind, wouldja, if you comment? :-)




:: Sarah 03:07 [+] ::
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Goals for my blog:
*Personal journaling (too lazy to do it on paper)

*Sorting out my beliefs and record spiritual growth (I hope!)

*Hopefully provide inspirational thoughts for anybody who comes by

*Record of moods and levels of energy--I'm looking for any cyclical patterns

*Let my friends keep up to date on my life and thoughts (I still struggle with thinking "Who in the world cares?" but I'm hoping at least a few people do)

*Ask them to help me sort out personal issues that don' t need to take up space on forums

*Writing practice

*A record of interesting facts, ideas and links that would otherwise be scattered to the cyber, uh, winds (?)

*Maybe, just maybe, one day my children will be interested to know that their old mom was a real person all along. :-)

This is from U2.

"Grace"
Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a wrapper on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hers
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stains

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

So simple and beautiful. I can see beauty and goodness in everything too and I find it sad when people don't because they are tied down by whatever dogma they live by. I find such ecstasy in art, music and nature--I often feel literally intoxicated--and I wonder if other people feel this strongIy. And then I also cry easily, when I feel the pain of the world coming through. Sometimes I doubt my sanity, but I don't want to give it up for anything. I feel like what I need now from Her is to help me see the way to balance. It's hard to wash the dishes and pay the bills when you're riding these waves, but those things are what make life tolerable in the end and the moments of ecstasy sweeter. Contemplation AND action equals true happiness. That's a difficult equation for me, but I'm working on it.

:: Sarah 16:49 [+] ::
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Whoa. Freaky pumpkins! My favorite is Terry Gilliam.
:: Sarah 03:25 [+] ::
...

Now I'm getting somewhere! Thanks to Holly and Tanya. :-)

And my day is looking up considerably. I got a package today, from the wonderful ladies at MotherSpirit! Thank you so much!!!!!

And look at these gorgeous mandalas! (Is that the plural? Mandalae? I don't know). I want to hang them all up in my house.
:: Sarah 13:21 [+] ::
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It's time to cry. Of course it would be more productive to take a class in HTML. But when would I have time or money to do that? Huh???

This stupid blog is just going to have to sit here like this until I have more time to fix it. I will link to all those I told I would, I promise.

:: Sarah 04:45 [+] ::
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It is taking every ounce of my strength not to take and hide the electronic doll Maddie (4 yo.) got for Christmas from Grandma. She walks, talks, crawls, and you plug in (!) the little spoons, juice box or bottle in her mouth. She actually sucks on the bottle--you can hear the grinding noise of the motor--and even though it's a doll it's still distressing to see Maddie prop her with it. I tried to get Maddie to nurse her but I think she was a little freaked out by that grinding noise.
:: Sarah 19:21 [+] ::
...